


I Just Can't Remember Why We Said Goodbye

by butrfac14



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Adult Language, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Divorce, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hope, I don't consider it suicidal personally, I may be overly cautious on that one, If I do say so myself, Infertility, Morbid thoughts, Not as depressing of a story as it possibly sounds from these tags, Renewal, Suicidal Thoughts, but someone else might, if you squint real hard, really hot makeup sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 16:23:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18347315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butrfac14/pseuds/butrfac14
Summary: This submission is based on the following prompt submitted by @sunflowerslyf: prompt 31- Everlark on the brink of a divorce, but then they remember all of the things they’ve gone through, the sacrifices they made for each other, that they can’t live without the other and end up not getting the divorce.Inspiration for this story came from the song "Why We Said Goodbye."





	I Just Can't Remember Why We Said Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to JavisTG and Xersia31 for putting on the 2019 Everlark Springtime Fic Exchange, it's been a great experience.
> 
> Thank you to @567inpanem on tumbler for her beta help on parts 1&2 and Evvykurler for her beta help on parts 1&3\. They helped me to shape this story into something that I'm really proud of in a short amount of time.
> 
> "Why We Said Goodbye"
> 
> I remember Sunday mornings walking on the beach  
> And that place we'd stop for breakfast with the old red vinyl seats  
> The hours of the tide chart  
> The way the sunlight dance upon your face  
> That antique roller coaster you just had to ride  
> I remember how you laughed at the terror in my eyes  
> The color and the detail  
> Just like it was yesterday  
> And I remember how you held me the night my father died  
> I didn't have to tell you  
> I just broke down and cried  
> You're sewn into the fabric, the pieces of my life  
> And I just can't remember why we said goodbye  
> Up and down this boardwalk lonely people sit  
> I know it wasn't perfect but nothin' ever is  
> The sails out in the harbor  
> Are searching for the wind  
> I just had to call you, I had to hear your voice  
> And tell you I still love you we still have a choice  
> You're sewn into the fabric, the pieces of my life  
> And I just can't remember why we said goodbye  
> Everything I do  
> Leads back to you  
> I know I just can't let us go  
> There must have been a reason, but I can't remember now  
> I know if I could hold you we could work it out  
> You're sewn into the fabric the pieces of my life  
> And girl let's give it one more try  
> 'Cause I just can't remember why we said goodbye

Part 1

 

She shuts the door to her hotel room before hoisting the backpack over her shoulder and turning to walk across the parking lot. Her destination is only a hundred yards away.

 

Katniss had arrived at the _Oceanside Motel_ at three o’clock that afternoon for check-in. After collecting the key to room 12 from Mags, the front desk clerk whose deeply lined face bore evidence to the fact that she had spent a lifetime in the sunshine, Katniss had let herself into the room.

 

Katniss shook her head once she’d set her bag down on the floor. From the faded floral wallpaper down to the worn green carpet, the place looked exactly the same as it had ten years ago, and the irony doesn’t escape her.

 

It's good to know that there are some things that haven’t changed.

 

When she reaches the edge of the parking lot and looks out at the sandy beach, she slips her water bottle out to take a quick drink while surveying the waterfront. To the left is the boardwalk with its weather worn planks. It runs in front of a strip of shops, and there’s an old fashioned arcade on one corner with an open air pavilion anchoring the opposite end.

 

It sneaks up on her- the memories that come crashing down to engulf her like the riptide, dragging her under until she’s drowning in remembrance.

 

But all things said, it would be a pleasant way to go, to feel her body flood to capacity with memories of the past, when she was happy.

She wraps her arms around her waist tightly and stares out at the water.

 

They’d spent their honeymoon in this little beach town. They didn’t have a lot of money when they first were married, and it was close enough to get here by car from the little one-bedroom apartment they were renting in the city.

 

“I’m sorry,” Peeta told her that night, after shutting the door behind him. It was a small hotel, and there wasn’t anything _wrong_ with the room exactly, it just looked a little dated. Plain. “This place looked a lot nicer online.”

 

Katniss stepped into him, hugging him tight. “It’s fine, Peeta. We’re here together, and that’s enough. I love it.” Her chest tightened with the need to show him that her words were true. And they were, simply because the two of them were here together. “We can do nicer another time. We’ve got our whole lives.” Smiling broadly, she stood up on her toes to kiss him.

 

Peeta was one of a select few recipients of her smiles and affections. As a reserved person, it had always been hard for her to open up to people. Her world had mostly consisted of her parents and her sister. But then he came along, and he was so easy to love. His shy smiles and dry humor, his unassuming persona. She’d never met another man like him, always happy to sit back and let her take the lead.

 

“Hmm, feel free to do that anytime you like.” His eyes scanned her face, seemed to memorize the details of the moment.

 

“I will.” She teased him, and reached around to squeeze his ass. “You’re all mine now, mister.”

 

And there were other trips in the following years as they settled into life together. A vacation to Fiji for their eight year anniversary. Cocktails on the beach, white sand and gorgeous views. It had been beautiful in the tropics, but it couldn’t compare to this place. This unassuming little hotel room where they had felt so connected, fresh faced and full of nothing but hope for their future.

 

The cracks in their marriage had really begun to form after Fiji. The two of them had decided to start trying for a baby once they got home from the luxury vacation. The trip was supposed to symbolize one last hurrah for them before they started a family.

 

It hadn’t exactly worked out that way.

 

Maybe that’s why she remembers this place so fondly, as it was a time when the only expectations they had revolved around each other.

 

A time before negative pregnancy tests and thousands of dollars wasted on fertility treatments.

 

But she isn’t here to think about that today. Now that it’s almost over, she wants to remember the time that they spent here together, happy and carefree.

 

It seems important, now that it’s almost over.

 

With a shrug she releases her burden, and the bag slides off of her shoulders, landing without a sound. Its contents aren’t much, just a stack of papers. But it’s the key to her new life.

 

A few strokes of the pen and she’s a free woman. The whole process had been easier than it should have been for them. The division of goods accumulated over ten years of marriage turned out to be as simple as Katniss taking enough furniture to outfit her new apartment. The only thing that she cared about at that point was getting away from the clusterfuck they’d created together.

 

They had no savings left, and they both had similarly paying jobs so there was no need for discussions of alimony payments.

 

Peeta had been so despondent at that point that he barely said a word to her.

 

The thought of that long-awaited freedom should fill her with relief, but strangely it doesn’t. There is no sense of resolution.

 

Her only focus has been on getting it over with it, just putting it behind her, since the day the divorce proceedings began. She needs to move on with her life. And that’s why Katniss came here today, to put the last fifteen years of her life behind her.

 

But not yet.

 

She isn’t quite ready to move on yet.

 

Katniss has more to think about before she can sever the tie.

 

She sinks down onto her knees by the water and closes her eyes, the rush of the water and the feel of the breeze off of the ocean lulling her into a tranquil state. It helps her to block out the hell that is today and the last few years where they slowly fucked everything up.

 

But right here- her time here with Peeta is still untouched.

 

Pristine.

 

The two of them had spent those blissful days exploring the area. Mom and pop stores peddling seashell trinkets and postcards, overpriced sunglasses, and ugly hats. Breakfast at the diner with the old red vinyl seats. The small art gallery that was around the corner from their hotel, the one where they’d picked out the dandelion painting. The simple piece of artwork had reminded her of her new husband, of the hope and renewal that Peeta had brought into her life.

 

As far as she knows, it still hangs in the living room of their house.

 

 _No, not their house_. Her heart twinges. _Peeta’s_ _house_.

 

Katniss squeezes her eyes shut tighter, like a toddler in the midst of a tantrum. _No, no, no. Don’t go there yet._

 

Everything with Peeta is past fixing, but she can still remember. She can still hold on to a little bit of the happiness, can’t she?

 

The last appointment at the fertility clinic comes to the forefront of her mind unbidden, the day that the doctor had finally confirmed Katniss’s suspicion that her body didn’t seem to be capable of carrying a baby.

 

And it had been so stupid of Peeta in that moment to bring up adoption. She was hurting, feeling like a complete failure to him. Her body felt like a worthless sack of flesh that she was stuck with for the rest of her days, and all she wanted to do was go home and find a quiet corner where she could be alone with her misery.

 

Katniss didn’t want to start a whole new kind of heartache, she just couldn’t do it. Adoption was such a long and difficult process, and there was no guarantee of having a child placed with them in the end. Not only that, there simply wasn’t any money left.

 

She couldn’t seem to make him understand though, because _he_ wasn’t the problem. There was nothing wrong with _him._ Peeta had no idea what the tests and treatments had been like for her.

 

He later admitted that he never should have brought up the idea of adoption to her on the way home from that horrible last appointment at the fertility clinic.

 

In fact he begged her to forgive him for it after the big fight. But she was just done with it. With everything. Her worst fears had been confirmed, and she was ready to try and put it out of her mind.

 

But that isn’t what happened. They had screamed at each other that day, vile things that make her die a little inside when she thinks of it now. She told Peeta that she hated him, while his exact words to her were: “Leave if you don’t love me enough to give me what I want.”

 

Peeta tried like hell in the following days to take it all back. He implored Katniss to talk to him. He tried to tell her that she was enough and that he didn’t need anyone but her.

 

The worst part was that she believed him. The man that lashed out at her that day wasn’t her Peeta, it was entirely out of character for him to be so cruel. But she was tired of hurting him. Tired of hurting, period.

 

Tired of what they had done to each other.

 

The all-consuming drive to conceive had taken over their love life, turning sex into a scheduled task that revolved around her ovulation cycle. In the months leading up to the final prognosis, Katniss found herself steadily putting more and more distance between them in an effort to curb her mounting anxiety. Peeta responded by acting clingy one day and moody the next, alternately smothering her with his presence or being verbally combative.

 

So two weeks after that last office visit, Katniss told him that she was done. She wanted a divorce.

 

Peeta begged and pleaded with her. The sight of the tears streaming down his face is burned into her memory and Katniss couldn’t forget it now if she tried. “Don’t you understand that I’m nothing without you? You are woven so deeply into my life _..._ the man I am now doesn’t even exist without you! Please don’t do this.”

 

But she’d made up her mind. He’d tried to hold her but she moved away, crossing her arms and stepping back, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to walk out the door if he touched her.

 

_This isn’t what I came here to think about._

 

Katniss opens her eyes and stands up, grasping her backpack as she heads in the direction of the boardwalk. The waterfront is beginning to fill up with a mix of humanity, but one little group catches her eye: a father and mother with two little girls, an older dark haired one and a younger blond. Prepared for a day in the sun, mom carries a bag over her shoulder while dad totes a large blanket, and she hears him tell the girls, “Wait for us, don’t go near the water!”

 

As they disappear from her line of sight, Katniss feels herself stumble, her head spinning. The sight of that young family, so similar to the one from her childhood memories, brings her back to what had been the worst time of her life. Back to memories that she’d buried deep inside that seem determined to resurface today in one fell swoop, intent on drowning Katniss in her own emotions.

 

She still can see herself standing outside of Peeta’s apartment on that day she received the terrible news in the gathering darkness, pounding on the door and sobbing, practically clawing at the wood by the time that he answered it. “Katniss…” He trailed off as she collapsed into him. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

 

“My… my father. My father is gone. Peeta, please.” She couldn’t get out another word as she wrapped her arms around his neck and sobbed. Peeta scooped her up then as if she’d weighed nothing, kicking the door shut with his foot. He cradled her body in his strong arms through the longest night of her life as Katniss cried over the loss of the first man who’d mattered in her life. Her Dad.

 

Now they were both gone.

 

One dead.

 

The other one might as well be.

 

She sighs deeply. Is there a single thing that she can recall from the last fifteen years that isn’t tied to Peeta?

 

“The man I am now doesn’t exist without you.”

 

Katniss realizes exactly what Peeta meant with those words- every detail of her adult life is tied up with his, and she’ll never escape it. The good and the bad.

 

The love they had should have been worth so much more to her, and she'd simply thrown all of that away like last week’s garbage. How had things become so awful between them that they couldn’t be fixed?  

 

It hits her how much she misses Peeta, how much she misses being happy. Of course she still loves him, she’s never stopped, but it goes even deeper than that. Katniss is staring ahead into the abyss of her future, and she simply can’t see it without him beside her.

 

 _Why am I doing this?_ Katniss had been so sure, so stubborn in her belief that it was for the best, that they could each go back to who they were before. Now she realizes that isn’t even a possibility, because that girl no longer exists.

 

A sudden, terrifying panic hits her. She hadn’t heard from him in months (Peeta had honored her wishes by leaving her alone)...had he had begun to move on without her? Just the idea of Peeta with someone else made her sick. Katniss would have to shoulder the blame for that one, because she’d vowed to stay with him through the good times and the bad, but ended up pushing him away when things were at their worst.

 

She’d felt so broken and used up and empty that the only thing she wanted was to get away from him, because she was tired of feeling anything. Period.

 

_Could I fix this?_

 

Katniss takes the short step up onto the walkway. She meanders down the boardwalk, past the pavilion where she’d sat with Peeta on their second night here, listening to a band play covers of 1960’s surf songs. He had taken her hand and pulled her to her feet halfway through the show, and they’d danced under the stars in the balmy night air.

 

Katniss had laughed and protested,“I can’t dance!” But, he’d ignored her and wrapped one strong arm around her waist, clasping his free hand in hers before tucking her in to his warm body. She gave up fighting him. He’d bent his head down and hummed in her ear as they swayed back and forth to “In My Room.”

 

She reaches the diner, letting out a quiet laugh as she pulls open the door and walks in. Nothing about this place has really changed, either. Its worn red seats and peeling formica table tops add another layer to the sense that some kind of a time warp has settled over the whole town.

 

It isn’t a bad thing.

 

Katniss is lead to one of the empty booths by a smiling girl with corkscrew curls and wide brown eyes. “Hi, I’m Rue.”  Her voice is soft, and she grins at Katniss. Katniss feels herself smiling back at her, and despite the fact that she doesn’t look any older than 16 or 17, there is a depth there that belies her youth. “You can look at the menu for a minute if you want, I can just come back. What would you like to drink? We have great iced tea.”

 

“That sounds good, thank you.” Katniss replies, and watches Rue walk away. There is something about the waitress that reminds her of Prim, despite the fact that her sister is now 30 and in her second year of medical residency.

 

Katniss just got off the phone with her sister this morning before making the drive, sharing with Prim her plans for this little overnight stay.

 

Prim had been completely devastated when she heard the news of their pending divorce months ago. While she’d been supportive of Katniss’s decision and understood the feelings behind it, Prim also didn’t hesitate to try convincing her older sister to get in touch with her estranged husband.  

 

Maybe Prim was right. Maybe it shouldn’t have gone this far. Katniss glances over at the backpack tossed onto the seat beside her with a sigh.

 

What a fucking mess.

 

* * *

 

She finishes her meal and stays to chat with Rue for a bit. The diner is quiet, and Katniss wants to get to know the girl better because she does remind her so much of Prim.  

 

Rue shares with Katniss the fact that she just graduated from high school, so the two of them have been talking about her plans for college in the fall. “I’m so nervous,” Rue confesses with a giggle, biting at the corner of one thumbnail, “I’ve never really been away from home before.”

 

“I bet that you’ll really like it,” Katniss takes another sip from her iced tea. The glass is almost empty but she turns down Rue’s offer of a refill. “Just give yourself a chance to settle in. You’re so friendly that I bet your roommates will love you- I don’t think they could help it.”

 

Rue seems reassured by the advice, and as Katniss leaves the diner she can’t help but feel buoyed up by her time with the younger woman. And, walking further down the beach, she finds a spot that affords her some privacy because she has made her mind  up at last.

 

She’s going to call him. It might be too little too late, Peeta might hate her now, or even just feel ambivalent (that seems even worse). But Katniss has to try at least once before she goes back to her quiet hotel room to sign the divorce papers and drop them in the mail on her way out of town tomorrow, her original plan.

 

She hits the call button, and there’s no answer. Katniss isn’t exactly sure how she feels as it goes to voicemail. She rubs her hand across her face, listening to the sound of his voice telling her to leave a message. When the phone beeps, Katniss hears herself blurt out the words, “Peeta, it’s me. I don’t know why I called, except that I want to hear your voice. If you want to talk, please call me back. I’m ready.” She ends the call, and drops her forehead down into the palms of her hands. Now what? She can’t move, paralyzed by the very real fear that she could be too late.

 

The phone rings a minute later, and it startles her so much that she almost drops it before answering the call. “Peeta?” she chokes out his name.

 

“Katniss?” he says, quietly and with the disbelief that she actually reached out to him evident in his voice. “Are you okay? Is something wrong?”

 

“Everything is wrong,” her voice breaks, and she feels herself begin to panic. Why did she try to do this over the phone?

 

Because she’s impulsive and couldn’t wait another minute to speak with him. She struggles to come up with the rest of her words. “I…”

 

“Katniss.” She closes her mouth and listens to him take a moment to compose himself. “Katniss, please come home. I’m miserable without you.” His voice cracks, and Katniss wishes she was there to see his face. “It’s killing me to stay away from you, and I’m sorry if you don’t want to hear this right now, but I have to tell you…”

 

“No, Peeta- it’s okay. It’s more than okay. I’m sorry,” she sobs out, and the realization that he’s been missing her as well causes her to crumple with relief, completely wiped out.

 

“Baby, I’m sorry too. I’m so sorry. But right now I don’t care about any of it. Katniss...” His voice drops again, and his next words are shaky. “All I want to do is hold you. Where are you? Just tell me and I’ll be there. I need to see you.”

They are silent for a minute before she tells him, truly laughing for the first time in months. “Peeta, you’ll never guess where I am.”

 

* * *

 

It’s nighttime when he finally arrives. She’s been watching from the motel room window, and when the headlights of his car appear Katniss quickly grabs her room key and heads out the door.

 

After getting off the phone with Peeta that afternoon, Katniss went back to the room to change into her bathing suit and grab a towel. A dip in the water might be the thing to calm her nerves- she’d always loved the ocean. As she closed her eyes and plunged into the water, Katniss felt small, insignificant, realizing that at any moment she could simply let go and be swept away by the current. It wouldn't be long until she’d be completely forgotten, her body reduced to nothing but a speck on the ocean floor.

 

Instead of depressing her, the realization is liberating. It makes her feel strangely as if her problems aren’t so insurmountable after all- because what is life but a fleeting moment? She _is_ still here, and Peeta’s still here, so there has to be a chance that they can make it work.

 

She climbed out of the ocean, some of the underlying tension now gone due to the physical exertion. The rough towel got wrapped around her torso once she’d dried off and had rung the water out of her hair. As the sun sank lower in the sky, she passed the families who were packing up for the day. The lifeguards all climbing down from their stands, gone off duty for the evening after a day in the blistering sun.

 

She’d even scanned the beach for a sign of the young family that’d reminded her so much of her own childhood, but there was no sign of them. Katniss couldn’t help but wonder where they were staying as she unlocked the door to her room.

 

Once inside, Katniss picked up the cheap bottle of wine she’d bought at the convenience store that day and poured some into an _Oceanside Motel_ paper cup. She set the it down on the side of the tub to run a bath for herself. Once the tub was filled with warm water, she eased down into it before taking a sip of the wine.

 

Katniss leaned her head back, struggling to think of something to say to him when he arrived. She wracked her brain for a way to tell him all of the reasons she’s so sorry for the way things turned out.

 

But the only thing that she can really think of are his last words to her. Peeta had sounded rushed- she’d heard the jingle of keys and the sound of a car door slamming. “I’m coming right now,” he said over the sound of his car ignition turning over. “I’ll text you when I’m almost there. I love you.”

 

She set the empty cup down on the floor and slid down under the water. Her hair fanned out around her as she closed her eyes to think.

 

Was it really that simple? Could he really still love her after what she’d done?

 

She washed up after soaking for an indeterminate amount of time in the tub and climbed out. Katniss grabbed the thin motel towel and walked out into the room to decide on what to wear, and a quick and disappointing perusal of her overnight bag was made. She settled on a thin cotton sundress, surprised by her desire to look pretty for Peeta. It had been a long time since this giddy anticipation welled up inside of her because of him. She bit her lip. What was the dress code for reconciling with your estranged husband, anyway?

 

After getting dressed and braiding her damp hair, she sat to wait. She flipped on the television but the noise just made her feel even jumpier, so it was quickly turned back off and instead she periodically got up to peer out at the darkening sky. Katniss was trying desperately to get a handle on her nerves but nothing was working. Time slowed to a crawl.

 

But now he is here. Finally. Katniss can actually feel the blood pounding in her ears. She is that keyed up, and her breath will not come as she watches him step out of the car.

 

Peeta. The stress of the previous months shows on his face - he looks tired and frazzled- but it doesn’t detract from his looks. Katniss swears that he gets handsomer every year. His blond hair is just beginning to show a few threads of silver, but still lays across his head in thick waves.

 

Finally though, she can see his beautiful blue eyes light up with recognition as he glances over and spots her waiting beside the motel door.

“Peeta!”

 

And then she is running to him, leaping into his open arms. She sags against him with the relief of being held by him again. He wraps his arms around her desperately, and she can feel his body shaking. She can’t tell whether he is laughing or crying.

 

“Katniss, Katniss.” His embrace is practically suffocating her but she doesn’t mind; it’s the only way she’d want to go. Peeta lifts her further up, and she has to wrap her legs around him to hold on. She never wants him to put her down again.

 

Katniss winds herself around him like a vine on a tree. “I can’t believe you’re here.” She buries her face in the crook of his neck and slumps against him, her body sapped of energy after the adrenaline rush has passed.

 

“I’m here.” He tells her softly, rocking back and forth. Of course Peeta is comforting her. She’d like to go on this way forever because it feels so good, but she has to say something now or she never will.

 

He has to understand.

 

“Peeta,” Katniss lifts her head finally to look up at him. “I’m sorry. I- I can’t believe that you came. You could have just told me to go to hell.”

 

“No. Are you kidding? I’ve spent every day without you _in_ hell.” He laughs, a beautiful deep sound that warms her body like hot chocolate. “Honestly, I’m a mess on my own.”

 

“Peeta, I’m sorry.” Her voice catches, and once again she damns herself for her inability to verbalize a complete thought. Why can’t she just say the words?

 

“I know, baby. I’m sorry too.” Peeta sets her back down on her feet. Katniss staggers a bit, coltish after being held up by him for so long. She places her hands on his chest to steady herself and feels the drum of his heartbeat beneath her palms.

 

They both take a moment to drink each other in, eyes searching each other closely for any visible changes that might have occurred during their months apart. Peeta shakes his head as if coming out of a daze. “I’m a mess, but you’re still just as beautiful.”

 

Katniss feels the worth she still has to him in that moment, because he’s staring at her the same way that he used to when they first met all those years ago. The bakery around the corner from her new apartment had just become her new favorite place, and Katniss told herself that the delicious baked goods they sold were the reason that she had begun to stop in everyday. It couldn’t be the handsome blond owner whose eyes, the most beautiful shade of blue, lit up every time she walked in. A shy smile would cross his face, and the sight of it would stop her in her tracks every time.

 

That had all went out the window on the day that they kissed, she had pushed him up against the cash register and just went for it.

 

 _That was the best decision I ever made._  

 

The memory makes her smile. “I think you’re right-you are kind of a mess now. Your hair is too long, and your eyebrows have gone insane.” She teases, running a hand through his blond waves, before trailing her fingers down to smooth over his brow. It’s impossible to miss the way that he shudders at her touch, but Peeta doesn’t say a word.

 

“And I think you’re starting to get crow’s feet.” She slides her thumbs down to the delicate skin around his eyes, feeling his long lashes tickle her fingers, reveling in being able to touch him again.

 

“And you haven't shaved in awhile either- are you finally taking my advice and growing a beard?” Her hands cup his firm jaw that is covered with soft hair. “But, that’s okay. I think I like you this way.”

 

He pulls Katniss close to kiss her suddenly, as though he can’t bear to wait another minute. While the initial movement is fast, they kiss slowly- a gentle reconnection of lips lightly pressing before his mouth opens over hers. Peeta groans when their tongues touch, and the whole experience feels new to her again after such a long time away from him. New, but still familiar- like coming home.

 

 _I am home_ , she thinks as Peeta pulls back to lean his forehead against hers.

 

“Why don’t we walk,” he says, stepping away from her after a moment of just breathing each other in. He indicates the waterfront with a nod of his head. “I could really stand to stretch my legs after the drive.” Peeta takes her hand and they head down towards the mostly deserted beach. The sounds of the waves crashing stir something inside her as they draw closer, making her feel more alive and vibrant.

 

“I went to some of our old haunts today, and they pretty much all look the same,”  she says to help bridge the slight awkwardness that has settled between them as they walk. Neither one of them seems to know quite what to say to the other yet.

 

Katniss pulls him to a stop so they can kick off their shoes, leaving them under a bench to continue across the cool sand. “Nothing has changed.”

 

“I can’t wait to see it in the light of day.” Peeta hesitates, shakes his head. “I guess I shouldn’t assume that you want me to stay with you tonight. I don’t want to push you.”

 

Katniss sighs. When they stop at the waterfront, she reaches for both of his hands, turning toward him in the near darkness. The lights of the boardwalk make it possible to still see his face in the gloom. He’s looking over her shoulder, giving her the chance to decide for herself.

 

Just like always.

 

“I want you to stay.” She squeezes his hands, and he makes eye contact with her, finally allowing Katniss to see the emotions warring in their depths. “I don’t want to spend another second away from you.”

 

“Okay,” Peeta says quietly. It’s quiet save for the crashing of the waves and the distant noises floating down to them from the boardwalk. Katniss wishes that she knew what to say, but she simply doesn’t. More a woman of actions, she pulls him along to walk further down the beach.

 

Maybe it’s enough to just be together again for now. The words will come later.

 

“I love it here at night,” Peeta finally breaks the silence. “It seems kind of fitting, being back.” His face is broody, and he opens and closes his mouth a few times before simply saying, “I just wish that the last few years had never happened.”

 

Katniss looks up at him. “Peeta, don’t blame yourself. We both wanted a baby.” She takes a shuddering breath. “Please don’t. _I’m_ the one who left.” The seal that had been keeping her composure intact finally disintegrates and she begins to sob.

 

She cries for the months of loneliness and for what they have done to each other.

 

Most of all she cries for the love she threw aside like garbage in the name of self-preservation.

 

“Katniss, it’s okay,” he says, pulling her into his arms. “I’m here.”

 

She realizes that Peeta is crying with her when she feels dampness on the top of her head. Katniss buries her face in his shirt, and the tears fall freely from both of their eyes.

 

* * *

 

“You look exhausted.” Katniss scans his face from her place beside him on the damp sand. “Do you want to go back to the room?” Even in the darkness, there are visible circles under his eyes. He nods, stepping away from her and wiping his face with the back of his hand.

 

They both are a mess. They’d stayed out for so long that the boardwalk lights have shut off for the night, and she can only see his face by the light of the moon. Her own eyes feel swollen and gritty enough to know that she must look like hell.

 

But it doesn’t really matter, they’ve seen each other worse than this.

 

When they arrive at the room, Katniss shuts the door behind them. Now that they are here she feels unsure of herself- maybe it would have been better for him to sleep in another room, because the space suddenly feels very full of him.

 

 _No_ , she realizes- she wants him here. Katniss just doesn’t know what to do with herself yet.

 

Peeta rubs his hand across the back of his neck. He seems nervous too, and that helps calm her growing anxiety. “I don’t have any other clothes with me, but I really need a shower- I came straight from the bakery.”

 

“That’s ok, go ahead. I’ll just use the bathroom when you get done.” She sits on the edge of the bed and pulls off her shoes, rubbing the soles of her feet. “I can throw your clothes in to wash tomorrow morning if you want.”

 

He looks up and gives her a little half-smile that makes her heart melt. “Thanks, Katniss.”

 

 _I’m so glad that he’s here, nerves or not_ , she thinks.

 

Peeta looks down and begins unbuttoning his shirt, while Katniss watches him out of the corner of her eye, trying not to be obvious about the way that her eyes sweep over the familiar planes of his body. She wonders what the night will bring.

 

She knows that sex couldn’t just fix everything, no matter how much she finds herself responding to the sight of him undressing.  The space between her thighs clench as she takes in his broad shoulders and strong biceps, his firm chest and stomach. His body is as familiar to Katniss as her own, and she finds herself craving him. She wants the reconnection that physical intimacy brings, but there isn’t a magic switch she can flip to make the last months disappear. Honestly, she doesn’t know if they’re ready for that step yet.

 

 _I don’t even know what’s going through his mind right now,_ she tells herself with a little shake of her head.

 

Peeta had never been interested in mindless sex- he always wanted it to mean something when they were together, so throwing herself at him right now didn’t seem like the way to go. If he didn’t want to push her, than she definitely didn’t want to push him. They both needed time to see what they were.

 

But then her mouth goes dry when Peeta pulls his shirt off. “Do you have an extra towel?” He’s standing there in only his pants and seems completely oblivious to what he’s doing to her right now.

 

Katniss swallows hard. _Calm down,_ she tells herself. “Yeah.” She points toward the bathroom, her voice sounding strange to her own ears. “There’s an extra towel and washcloth hanging up in there.”

 

“Okay, I won’t be too long.” He walks in the bathroom and shuts the door behind him, and Katniss expels the breath she was was holding. She puts her head in her hands and tries to calm her lust-addled brain. Now what? She gets up and digs through her bag for her nightgown, and then paces the room until the shower shuts off.

 

Peeta comes out a minute later with a towel slung over his shoulder, gesturing toward the black black boxer briefs he’s wearing. “I figured these are better than nothing.”

 

 _Better for who? Stop it,_ Katniss tells herself.

 

He sits on the edge of the bed and rubs the towel over his hair, before tossing it to the floor. “I’ll get that in the morning,” he tells her, laying back on the bed with a sigh. “I’m so tired, Katniss. I don’t think that I can move.”

 

Katniss eyes him critically. He does look tired- but the same could be said for her, honestly. She hasn’t been sleeping worth a damn, either.

 

“I wouldn’t lay on top of that blanket if I were you.” She chides him gently. “Why don’t you get under the covers while I get ready for bed?” She crosses the room and gives him a little peck on the lips, her previous thoughts put to bed as other instincts to take care of him kick in. No matter what happens, Katniss is just glad that he’s here. The details of what they do now seem inconsequential.

 

“Okay,” Peeta says, opening one eye to look up at her. He smiles at her and grasps her hip lightly with one hand to keep her in place. “I’m so glad you called- I know that wasn’t easy to do. And I’m sorry to say this,” he squeezes her hip and yawns loudly, “But I don’t know how much longer I can stay awake- I can’t seem to keep my eyes open.”

 

“That’s alright, I don’t mind.” Katniss tells him, caressing his forehead. “Go to sleep now, Peeta, and I’ll be right back out.”

 

After making sure that he actually gets in between the sheets, she flips on the bathroom light to wash her face and change into her nightgown.

 

“What the…?” she grabs her toothbrush once she’s completed the rest of her nighttime routine.  It’s already wet? Why is it wet?

 

Katniss laughs out loud when it dawns on her. “That butthole.”  

 

Peeta actually used her toothbrush. It’s such a gross thing but all she can do is smile. Strangely it helps to allay her fears.

 

 _Maybe this is going to be easier than I thought,_ Katniss shrugs, rinsing the brush off to use herself.

 

When she walks out of the bathroom, Peeta is already fast asleep. Without preamble, she pulls the blankets back and climbs in, settling down beside him. Peeta stirs when she stretches out, rolling towards her and pulling her into his side. He does it all without really waking up, an instinct that never went away.

 

Hope blooms inside her again. After all, a person couldn’t be irreparably angry with you if they are currently spooning you after brushing their teeth with your toothbrush.

 

Peeta, for his part, seems to be picking back up where they left off.

 

No, that’s not right- not where they left off.

 

Tonight goes farther back, tonight is nothing like the last few years. This connection is old but still brand new.

 

Katniss looks around the motel room and smiles, thinking that time warps are definitely not a bad thing. She closes her eyes and turns in his arms, snuggling closer to her husband as she feels the tendrils of sleep pull her under.

 

* * *

 

It’s hours later when Katniss opens her eyes. She’d apparently moved on to her back in the middle of the night and Peeta has one arm draped over her middle. Feeling the movement of his hand at her waist, she turns to see that he is awake.

 

They lay watching each other, the glow from the nightlight reflecting off his eyes.  

 

“Hi,” he whispers. A little smile turns up the corner of his mouth, and she can’t help but smile back at him.

 

“Hey, you.” Katniss can’t remember the last time that they were like this, laying in the dark snuggled up under a blanket. It’s so intimate. Their separation had gone on for months, but they had drifted apart long before then- so much so that they’d begun to sleep facing away from each other in their king-size bed.

 

But not tonight. Her bare arm is tucked against his warm chest, and he has one leg curled over hers- the two of them almost completely intertwined.

 

She’ll happily take every inch of her pressed against every inch of him. His touch is healing her, breathing new life in.

 

“You used my toothbrush,” she says with a laugh, breaking the silence that’s settled over them. Katniss pinches his arm lightly, but he he just snickers.

 

“Husband’s privilege.” Peeta lifts one hand up and runs his fingers through the loose hair at her forehead, before skimming the tips of his fingers across her face and down her neck. “I didn’t think you’d mind.”

 

Her heart clenches at his gentle touch. “I don’t mind.” He kisses her temple before pulling back. “Peeta?”

 

“Hmm?” He grasps her hand in his and kisses the back of it. She’s starting to feel overwhelmed in this warm bed with him.  His body is pressed against her so deliciously, filling her with a liquidy heat that makes it hard to focus, but she needs to ask him something before she loses the ability to think.

 

She lets out a shaky breath. “Are you okay with all of this? I mean, are we going to be okay? Please be honest with me.” Katniss holds her breath as he sets her hand back down and stares at the wedding band she’s wearing, caressing it with his thumb. She notices that he is still wearing his as well.

 

“Honestly?” Peeta asks, pausing to thread his fingers through hers. “I’m more than okay. I feel like I can breathe again.” He looks up at her, scanning her eyes for signs of what’s going on behind them. “I know there are things we’re going to have to talk about and work on, but I feel like we’re ready to do it now, you know? And Katniss- I just want whatever you want. I meant it when I told you that you are enough.” Peeta leans over and kisses her then. Slow. Deep. It feels like she’s freefalling. “What about you, Katniss- what do you want?” He whispers, pulling back enough to look into her eyes.

 

The haze in his eyes makes it obvious what he wants. The heavy breaths. The way his eyes dart down to her lips occasionally.

 

 _Is this really happening?_ Katniss wonders. It’s a very dream-like moment, lying in the dark with him, half-awake with his body hovering over her the way that he is.

 

She can feel his breath on her lips, and it steals hers away. “I just want you.” Katniss answers him honestly, amazed that she’s able to speak at all. “I want to be happy again. I’m tired of missing you.”

 

“You don’t have to miss me anymore. I’m right here.” He tells her, his eyes crinkling up in the corners again. “Now that you’ve got me, what are you going to do with me?”

 

“I’m going to keep you right here with me, where you’ll be safe.” She leans up to meet his mouth with her own.

  
  
  
  
Part 2  
  
  


“Peeta?” She asks, searching his eyes for confirmation that he wants this as much as she does. The answer is the naked desire reflected back at her in the flash of his blue eyes. She leans up to catch his mouth in a searing kiss, pouring everything into it that she hasn’t the words to say.

 

Peeta groans into her mouth and slides his hand up from where it rested at her waist, moving agonizingly slow across her soft curves and between her dips and valleys. He tilts her head to find just the right angle of penetration, and her lips part for him. Peeta dips his tongue into her mouth so far that their teeth almost graze. But it’s still not enough because he’s like a man possessed. He’s trying to consume her but is unable to get his fill.

 

Peeta breaks away from her mouth, sliding the straps of her nightgown down to reveal the swell of her breasts. “This needs to go,” he growls, and the bossy tone makes her heart pound. Katniss can’t remember a time when he was like this, impatient and out of his mind with desire.

 

“Yes, please,” she begs, as she bites at his lips until Peeta pulls back and wrestles the nightgown over her head.

 

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Peeta mutters into her ear as he caresses her breast simultaneously grinding his hard cock between her thighs. He’s trying to press every inch of his body against hers and there is little space between them. Katniss can’t remember a time that she’s ever been so aroused. “I’ve missed you so much. I spent so many nights alone thinking about you like this. Your beautiful tits, the way they fill my hand perfectly. And your hard little nipples... I want to feel them under my tongue.”

 

Katniss lets out a choked sob because the emotions are now running so high between them that she can’t keep it in. It leaves her feeling raw and exposed.

 

An expression of concern crosses his face when he notices her distress. “Hey, none of that. Shh. That isn't why I told you.” They regard each other silently for a moment before he quietly continues, “I just want you to know that I never stopped thinking about you.”

 

It feels like he is staring into her soul, and the longing to reconnect with him just grows stronger. How is it possible to still be this way with him after everything they’ve been through? The anger, the hurt, the distance that grew between them? How are they together in this bed again?

 

Maybe it’s because of everything that makes it feel like this with him, this all-consuming, out of control passion. It’s a reclaiming of life and hope after the hell of the last two years. Here with him in this warm bed, every part of her is on fire and sparking to life. Through the flames Peeta is there, his eyes deep and fathomless as he gazes at her with the familiar love in his eyes.

 

She aches to burn with him.

 

Peeta kisses her temple and murmurs against her skin. “I’m more in love with you now than I’ve ever been. I’ve missed everything about you, Katniss.” He pulls back to give her a teasing smirk. “And I don’t want to tear myself away from your face, but I really want your tits in my mouth.” It’s just the right thing to say, dirty and funny at the same time. His words help to ease the pressure of the moment. She snorts a little and shakes her head as he starts to trail kisses downward, and can feel the upturn of his lips as he smiles against her throat.

 

But she isn’t laughing for long.

 

Peeta makes his way down across her sternum. He takes one pebbled bud in his mouth, and she feels his tongue dart out and swirl against her flesh. He sighs loudly and closes his eyes as he applies harder suction there. She squirms and wriggles until he pops the nipple back out, only to begin his assault all over again.

 

Katniss pushes her pelvis up against his thigh to relieve the growing pressure behind her clit. The intense pleasure and the rapid build-up are new, despite the fact that he hasn’t even touched her yet, she already feels her orgasm building.

 

He keeps his focus on her breasts, his lips and tongue and teeth working her into a frenzy. “Peeta, Peeta.” Katniss squirms underneath him. Her brain is in a fog, and she feels as if she’s been drugged. Her limbs are heavy, but every nerve ending under her skin is getting ready to light up.

 

He looks up then and his eyes are wide, manic with lust. Katniss feels like she’s sinking, and Peeta is pulling her into the deep where they will drown together.

 

With one last suck, Peeta sits up enough to grab her panties and rip them off without a thought. He doesn’t hesitate, his fingers going straight to her core. At the first touch of the soaking heat waiting for him, his eyes roll back in his head. “You’ve missed me too, I see.” He says in a low voice, rubbing his thumb across her clit and inserting two thick fingers deep inside of her.

 

Katniss nearly shoots up off the bed from the pleasurable sensation that he’s giving her with the firm swipes of his thumb and the feel of his fingers thrusting deep inside of her walls. Peeta leans over to capture her mouth in a deep kiss and the dual assault of his tongue in her mouth and fingers in her pussy become too much for her. She crests quickly, the nerve endings in her body igniting as her walls clench around him. On it goes as Peeta coaxes more and more from her. His tongue commands her mouth and his hand her pleasure.

 

She comes down from her high to the feel of Peeta grinding himself against her hip. She sits up, though still feeling a little lightheaded pushing him onto his back. Her fingers slip into the waistband of his shorts and she lets her thumbs drag across his pelvic bones. He whimpers at the contact and moans when Katniss leans over to whisper in his ear, “My turn.”

 

She pulls the shorts down his legs, and her vision goes a little blurry at the sight of his hard cock bouncing out to meet her.  He’s rock hard and weeping at the tip.

 

“Please,” he pants, and the smile on her face is wide. Katniss smirks at the realization that she’s not the only one begging tonight. She wraps her hand around the base of his shaft and he gasps out loud, a sound that she doesn’t have any tactile memories of him making before. She would very much like to hear it again. Katniss rubs her hand up and down his cock, reacquainting herself with his hot, hard flesh. He’s incredibly aroused and thrusting his hips with her every upward tug. She goes slowly using a loose grip to keep him from finishing in her hands.

 

She has bigger plans for him than that.

 

Her mouth waters at the sight of him desperate and handsome writhing on the bed. Her Peeta who is so selfless and still in love with her after everything they’ve been through. She’s never wanted to make him feel good as badly as she does tonight.

 

Katniss bends over to run her tongue up the length of his shaft in a long slow lick, and he nearly shoots off the bed. “Fuck!” he shouts, and she quickly engulfs his cock in her mouth, deep and slow.

 

His curses and moans were driving her mad enough but now Peeta is actually whimpering. He runs his fingers into her her hair and pulls hard. The pleasure that she is giving him is making her so excited that she can feel her pussy flutter.

 

When she stops for a breath he sits up. “That’s too much,” Peeta pants and drags her up his body by her shoulders. He rolls her onto her back while kissing her desperately. “I don’t know how long I’m going to last inside you. It’s been so long, and I want to make you come again.”

 

He slides down her body and comes to a stop when he gets between her thighs. Peeta wraps one of her legs around his shoulder. “Mmm,” he nuzzles her wet slit with the tip of his nose before placing a kiss to her outer lips. “You smell so good.” His tongue darts out and gives her a little experimental lick before spreading her apart with his fingers. He runs his tongue from her pussy to clit in a long, slow pass.

 

Katniss distantly hears herself making all sorts of desperate noises as he gets down to business. He thrusts his tongue deep inside of her and probes her walls, moaning as he drinks up her wetness. Peeta  pulls his tongue out of her pussy to focus on her clit, swirling and sucking until he moves back down. Over and over again, back and forth, driving her mad with the steady building, building, building…

 

She throws her head back as the blinding light flashes behind her eyes. Peeta releases her clit from between his lips and quickly moves down to her opening. He drink up her release as fast as he can but is unable to catch it all as her cum runs between her thighs and between the cleft of her ass. Peeta moves down and runs the flat of his tongue there as well, not wanting to let one drop escape from him.

 

Katniss is a quivering mess when he comes back up to her and buries his tongue in her mouth. She tastes her tangy release on him while they kiss desperately. Peeta is rubbing his length across her wetness and thrusting against her. “I need you.” He shifts until the blunt head of his cock is ready to part her folds.

 

“Yes, yes. Please.” And then he’s there, his hard cock diving into her wet depths. He meets no resistance because she’s so ready for him. Peeta’s eyes close. He looks like he’s trying hard to concentrate and not let it end too soon. Katniss knows that he wants to make this good for her. He slips his hands under her hips and lifts them up as he grinds his pubic bone against her in a figure-eight motion.

 

Unbelievably, she feels the swell of desire forming again. The friction from the base of his penis rubbing against her clit and the blunt tip of his cock hitting a spot deep inside of her are making her climb again as he hits everything just right. Everything feels so overwhelming and decadent. “Yes, yes, yes…” Katniss chants as he thrusts in and out. Peeta dips his head down to give her a sloppy kiss.

 

“Are you close again?” He asks her when he comes up for air and gives her a deep grind against her clit. Peeta’s eyes are rolling back in his head and she knows he can’t hold on much longer.

 

“I, oh..” Katniss trails off as her body jolts from the friction. She feels out of her mind from the pleasure. “I think so… ungh, yes. Just like that, there!”

 

Peeta looks down to where they are connected. He watches his cock plunge in and out of her before looking back up into her eyes again. “Come with me, please.” He says with a groan as she clenches around him.

 

“Yes, yes,yes… Peeta!” The orgasm barrels down over her then and it makes every joint in her body seize up. Her walls lock his impossibly hard cock in a vise grip that tugs and pulls him deeper. He is so deep, and it feels like heaven as his hot cum spills inside her. Peeta grinds hard against her, and his face is slack with the force of his release. An inhuman groan escapes from his lips. His body shudders as her walls continue to milk him while his pulsing cock draws her pleasure out until she feels like she’s never going to stop climaxing.

 

Finally it recedes, and Peeta slumps against her, sapped of all strength. He stays where he is but is careful not to rest his full weight on her. Katniss moves to find his mouth, sharing a deep and emotional kiss with him. Their lips slide and their tongues caress.

 

Peeta pulls back and gazes down into her eyes while he runs his fingers through her hair. “I love you, you know that right?” She nods and he continues. “I know you’re scared, but we’re going to be fine. We’ll figure this out together.” He runs the tip of his nose across her cheek, over to her ear where he plants a little kiss. “Okay?”

 

“Okay.” Katniss answers him as she strokes her thumbs across his cheeks. She kisses him again, knowing that he is right.

  
  
  
  
Part 3  


“Good morning,” Katniss greets her new friend with a wide smile as Rue hands her a breakfast menu.

 

The girl gives her an inquisitive smile, before nodding at Peeta. “Who is this?” she asks with an appraising look as her brown eyes run up and down his frame. She winks at Katniss while Peeta peruses the menu, oblivious to the silent communication between the two of them.

 

Katniss smirks, and reaches across the table to grab his hand. “This is Peeta, my husband.” At the mention of his name, he glances up at their waitress and flashes her a smile.

 

“It’s nice to meet you, Peeta,” Rue places one hand on her hip, her face scrunched up in puzzlement. “But why weren’t you here yesterday? Your girl seemed awfully lonely.”

 

Katniss catches his eye. “He couldn’t make it until today. But he’s here now, and we’re going to stay for the week.”

 

They gaze across the table at each other for far too long, until Rue eventually has to make a very pointed coughing noise to get their attention again.

 

Peeta flushes bright red and turns towards the teenage girl. “Rue, did you know that we honeymooned here?”

 

Rue laughs and shakes her head, “Hmm. You know, I hear that more often than you’d think. Couples seem to come back here a lot, too. Like you guys!”

 

“There is something about this place,” Katniss agrees, biting her lip to keep the too-wide smile in check.

 

Eventually they order, and eat their late breakfast at a leisurely pace. They had understandably woken up late this morning; and after first laundering Peeta’s clothes and then getting distracted by a quick romp in the shower, it was almost eleven before they left the room.

 

They walk out hand in hand after saying goodbye to Rue and paying their bill. “Next stop, clothes for me?” Peeta asks, after stepping out on to the boardwalk.

 

“Yeah, but wait just a minute.” Katniss lifts the backpack up with one hand and indicates the back of the diner with the opposite thumb. “I just have to take care of something real quickly. You go on ahead and start looking.”

 

Peeta leans over and kisses her cheek before walking towards the first t-shirt shop. When he’s out of sight, Katniss darts behind the restaurant. She crosses the parking lot, and when she reaches the dumpster it’s lid gets tossed back. With a mighty heave the backpack and all of its contents go flying in with the rest of the garbage, hitting the bottom with a loud _thud._

 

 _“_ Good riddance!” Katniss tells herself, before turning around to catch back up with Peeta.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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